Well lets see whats new?I sat at the comp the other night while a relative tried to decide which whizzanator color most closely matched his penis.He asked me what I thought and I told him I had no reference and really didnt care to see it.But he ordered white and I had to put make up on his fake penis due to it being way tooo pale.I kept thinking what am I doing and I felt my forehead wrinkle up just as my son laughed at the face I was making.Now Im by no means a seasoned harlot but even I could tell this thing wasnt real at 20 paces.To slip it by anyone would be a feat only accomplished if the one judging were legally blind.So I reminded him the dude in question has already gotten a good look at his since he took an hour trying to go the last time.And drank so much he looked like he was going to explode.But something about this huge dude watching and talking about fixing his truck tailgate gave him a shy bladder and that was only after the 250 pound lady tried to seduce the poor kid.

this statement will most probably go down as being the dumbest thing ive ever said.i once told someone that my life was far too boring and normal to write about.i just spent the last 3 days being driven to the point of insanity by a plasma flat screen tv, family that were trying to sell it. the problem was we nor anyone else we contacted could tell us how to hook it up so the interested party could see it worked.i have never seen so many sales people that were just plain dumb.and the ones that talked like they knew something about it explained it in a way that only a rocket scientist could figure out.that combined with the fact they were trying to sell it as fast as possible led to asituation that would turn a saint into a psycho.and to top it off trunk dude tried to help. i was so irritated  i went off! on trunk dude, said  ferg you better f------- back off now  im seriously pissed off and  im gonna kick your f----- as-. if i have to go through anymore crap over this tv im going to that guys house and shoving it up his rear end.everytime trunk dude is around he tries to mooch money off me, steals my cigarettes, gets very bossy he acts like its our responsability to supply him with gas money, cigs cause he doesnt want to get a job.at the check out in a store he said to me give me 20 bucks i looked at him and said your out of your freaking mind bud im not giving you 20 dollars! one night he called and said roll out to my house and bring me 10 dollars for gas. i said are you fu------ crazy? if i drove out there id have to use it for gas for my car.what are the odds a person could know so many people that are totally nuts? i told someone i was going to get a group rate from dr.phil.but the poor guy would lose his sanity trying to help these guys.

when marie was about 17 or so she dated and ultimately moved in with an illegal mexican dude 30 yrs old. he was a control freak, recovering addict. well one night he went psycho and destroyed their entire apt., and beat her up.so she decided to try to end it with him when he was in the food court of the local mall banging his head against a wall.so a week or so later my sis came over to spend a night and about 3:00 in the morning we were going to run up to the store to get milk for our morning coffee. walking out the door we look down the drive and here comes sis's husband walking up the drive wearing only his boxers.we both asked whats wrong? fearing his answer.coming up to us he said i was woke up by a noise, looked outside marie was in the car with carlos so i went out and opened the car door and he punched me! no he continued thats a lie i opened the door grabbed him pulled him out to the ground and beat the f--- out of him. the neighbors came to their door and said we calling the cops! so i let go and carlos got up ,ran i told marie to get in the car before the cops got there and we drove down the road. marie was hanging out of the window yelling ' run carlos run! the cops are coming! my sis her eyes got as big as saucers and  she said kind of did this weird yelling moan 'oh my god oh my god !she is going to think we are the bad guy! personally i had to fight back laughing just at the way he said ok thats a lie before he told us how he pummeled carlos.he said carlos was running down the road looking back and shaking his fist at me.well he whooped him so bad that for several days he looked like a totally different person suffering from severe adema [water retention] well the mexican underground railroad moved him out of state to work and shortly thereafter moved him again. they lost contact. when i told my younger brother the story he laughed so hard his wife kept saying what? whats so funny?

quite a few yrs back my sis was having problems with marie [imagine that] well my sis and her family came over for a cookout during which marie and our daughter had an altercation. well marie went and sat in the car so me and sis went to see if we could find out what was wrong. she would NOT open the car door so [in an icredibly stupid moment] i said you big baby get out of the car! well im here to tell you she opened the door and sucker punched me in the eye so hard i almost blacked out.i [without thinking] said you little b----!! and i grabbed her by her hair we both fell to the pavement in our driveway i was just trying to hold her down till  she calmed down. but she sank her teeth into the inside of my arm only letting go every few seconds to scream then chomping down again. by now the whole family is out there around us trying to break it up by kicking us! and yelling! the next 3 days i layed on my back [the only part on me that didnt hurt] i had a black eye, my arm was black with teeth marks, scrapes on my legs. it was horrible but the fact that i didnt back down earned me respect in her eyes. and since then we have never had another problem. [ what a way to have to earn someones respect!] i dont really reccomend it but sometimes you have no choice but to go with a situation and see where it takes you.would i do it again? yes but this time nothing would take my by surprise! marie holds the record in our town for the longest police chase 12 minutes! ill tell that story later.she used to get mexican guys drunk and steal their money i told her once they were going to put wanted posters of her up in the mexican restaurants! i have to say my family IS, WAS, and ALWAYS will be  a bunch of very colorful characters! to say the least.

about 5 yrs. ago my sisters son travelled to a state north of us with a work crew. doing what i dont rightly remember now but he was gone oh a month or so.well a week went by and no one heard from him then a few days later we get a call and he tells us he and his boss were on the expressway changing a flat tire when these guys stopped and robbed them at gun point and he [my sis's son] was shot in the back and he has been in the hospital for over a week.you know we just recently found out he was shot with a cuban cigar! the scar on his back was from a cuban cigar he burned himself with.why the lie about being shot? who knows. but id say he was up to something for sure.one time i was home and the phone rang the voice on the other end asked if i was maries aunt i said yes and he said well this is so and so from the county ambulance service marie was hit by a car and we need to find her parents i [of course] was oh my god!! he said no dont get upset she is ok shes laying here talking to me.but by law we have to transport her to the hospital because of the size of the dent she put in the car.the car was going 45mph. i went over to the hospital and the trauma nurses were telling me [we thought  45mph she has to be in bad shape but they got here and other than bruises shes fine.] the car suffered more damage than her!