SIZE 14 and 14 OSCAR NOMINATIONS*

The key to shining on the red carpet is a dress that plays up a star's best assets in a shade that flatters her complexion, in a style that doesn't fight for attention. The hair and jewels should be restrained yet glamorous like Penelope Cruz.

BEST DRESSED

Penelope Cruz in Versace had a grand picture in her mind of a royal event so she went dressed as a contemporary princess.

Reese Witherspoon in swinging hair with bangs and Olivier Theyskens strapless number for Nina Ricci is what young stars should look like. Not like a fossilized Elizabeth-Taylor wannabee.

Jessica Biel in a simple flow of color

Maggie Gyllenhaal in sophisticated blue black Proenza Schouler (not cooler, shooler or whatever The View's Elisabeth Hasselbeck was mangling).

Nicole Kidman's adventurous Balenciaga (yes, from some angles the bow looked like a Christmas ribbon) but mostly it was traffic-stopping.

Helen Mirren. Immediate kudos for finding something so light, effortless and balletic.

DRESS LESS

It takes more than a pretty smile to wow us mean-spirited, get-a-life acolytes of the red-carpet.  Cameron Diaz seems to think it takes green earrings, a huge breast-obliterating flap, an asymmetric ruffled hem, silver shoes and tousled hair. If it sounds like it's too much, it was. And how about losing the brown hair?

About the only thing more disappointing than Eddie Murphy not winning an Oscar was Jennifer Hudson's Leontyne Price -meets -CZ Guest outfit. It didn't even look like an Oscar de la Renta frock. No matter. Jennifer we still love you. And no doubt you'll redeem yourself. Right?

Kelly Preston reminds us that a little leopard goes a long way. If you hear the call of the wild.....You don't always have to answer, Kelly.

Beyonce's pistachio-colored Armani -a case of a dress that tried too hard with a slit up to there (it's the Oscars not the Bootylicious video), a strange nude lining, and an awful beaded harness strap

Naomi Watts just shouldn't stand next to her friend Nicole Kidman...ever, but especially not on Oscar night. Yellow is hard for any one to wear and when it's falling off you...well....

Anne Hathaway. It was her first so she gets to try again. (But can I just ask, what was that Rorschach test doing on her dress?)

NEITHER HERE NOR THERE...DIDN'T LOVE 'EM, DIDN'T HATE 'EM

Gwyneth Paltrow in Zac Posen

Cate Blanchett in Armani - regal but a little severe

Jennifer Lopez in Marchesa (Is she deliberately trying to make us think she's pregnant?)

Jodie Foster - a little overkill on the blue

Next Post: AWARDS NIGHT STYLE TRENDS AND NOTES ON MERYL STREEP

*Just kidding about Meryl (who inspired the title of this blog).  But if one was going to bother, one would need a post devoted entirely to Meryl's distinct fabulosity. And wasn't it fabulously sick that her strange get-up was Prada.:) Is Prada taking credit? Love it!