My daughter just put up the Christmas lights on the outside of our new house last night.  I looked at the home I have dreamed of all my life - and I got a sinking feeling in my stomach.  It all sort of hit me at once.  I was an adult - when did THAT happen???

I am only 45 years young - certainly not old enough to be burdened with such responsibilities.  As my daughter debated between red lights and green lights I thought of our electric bill.  We built a fire in the fire place and as my son asked for hot chocolate I wondered when I would find the time, and money, to go holiday food shopping and how much it would cost to have a cord of wood delivered. 

Those mortgage ads lie.

The tout home ownership as a rewarding, comforting, thing that will give you security.  Well we were living the life - we were sitting around the fire playing board games and toasting marshmallows to make 'smores with.  But the lady in the commercial didn't walk into her laundry room during their version of our tender family moment and find the hot water tank leaking like I did.

Note to self: buy the home warranty next time.

*sigh*

All I want is a perfect life and a perfect family and to be perfectly happy.  Why is that too much to ask?

*sigh*

So I sip my hot chocolate and I reflect on my life these days.  We have the new car, the new house, and I just got a new laptop for my birthday.  My hubby even got the Harley he wanted (with plans to order a MUCH bigger one “in a year or two” of course) this past summer.  We both have great jobs – uh TWO great jobs each.  Since we decided to pay down some debt we are both working extra jobs and devoting the extra money to debt reduction.  We are so responsible it makes me sick …..

Anyway, back to reflecting.  My life these days is a domestic whirl of baking, cleaning, house repairs and improvements, and getting my daughter ready for college.  I don’t see why she needs to think about college right now – after all she was only five years old yesterday.  As she drives off in my new car to meet her friends at the mall I fight the compulsion to tell her to lie down so I can check her diaper.

*sigh*

But I must admit – for all the pressures – life is good.  I worry about that perfection thing a lot though.  As Christmas approaches I realize we have a great opportunity to really make our first Christmas in our very own home special – and we only have one chance - I want the decorations to be perfect, the pies to be perfect, the cookies to be perfect, and the dogs to sit in a row and howl – on key – to Jingle Bells – uh, on command of course.

I want to believe in Santa again (though I never really did) and I want to have a snowball fight on Christmas morning on the front lawn with the kids. 

Did I mention we live in Texas?

So what do we conclude from the mass of neuroses I have dredged up on this page?  Several things:  First – I suspect I am not alone in my quest for the perfect family moment.  Second – I bet I am not alone in having two jobs either (three if you count eBay too).  Third – I am grateful, grateful, and more grateful for what I have.  God knows I am forever grateful for all he has blessed me with these last few years.

I think the best lesson we can take from all of this is that we are all human - and humans don’t always focus on what they should – so don’t beat yourself up about it. 

After all - I have what everyone who was honest with themselves would admit they wanted – two great children who don’t smoke, drink, sneak out the window at night, sass me, hit me, take drugs, party, have sex, and dress like the walking dead or cover themselves with morbid tattoos.  I have a five year marriage to a man I am very comfortable with.  He is a big teddy bear I can cuddle any time I need to – understanding with talking optional.  I have the home I always wanted – not just a house – but a home.  A home filled with people who love each other and love spending time with each other.  I have one best friend, several close friends and a lot of good friends!  I have a wonderfully supportive Church family I care deeply about. I have my health.

So what do I have to worry about?

*sigh*

Nothing.

As I pull out a pen and start making a grocery list I keep reminding myself – this is the life I always wanted.  I can relax (a bit) now.  Everything worth having comes with some pressure. 

Note to self: Just make sure you focus on the stuff worth having and not the pressure!

And I think we can all agree on that!