How can you be arrested for resisting arrest?
What's the youngest you can die of old age?
It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
Every so often, go to the window, look up, and smile for a satellite picture.
When you have a kid, buy one of those strollers for twins. Then put the kid in and run around, looking frantic. When the kid gets older, I'd tell him he used to have a brother, but he didn't obey.
When a clown dies, do all his friends go to the funeral in one car.
Name your next dog 'Stay'. When you teach him to "Come here, Stay! after a while the dog will go insane and not move at all.
Get a humidifier and a dehumidifier. Put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
Build your next house out of balsa wood. When you want to scare the neighborhood kids lift it over your head and tell them to get out of your yard or you'll throw it at them.
Right now I'm having amnesia and deja-vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.
Say I'm so hyper with a very dull voice.
Send a postcard picture of the earth. On the back have it say, "wish you were here."
Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
When someone asks if you slept well, tell them No, I made a couple of mistakes.
What's another word for Thesaurus?
If you get real bored, drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in your car and count how many people ask if youre leaving.
You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
Give a walkie-talkie to your child for their birthday. Then say If youre good, I'll
give you the other one next year.
Smoking cures weight problems, eventually.
Is a tired old cliché one?
If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?
If the sign says Eight items or less, tell the cashier your name is Les.
In school, every period ends with a bell. Every sentence ends with a period. Every crime ends with a sentence.
If you Xerox a mirror, do you get an extra Xerox machine?
If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?
If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?
The other day I... no wait, that wasn't me.
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
If you melt dry ice in a pool and go swimming, will you get wet?
Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?
Replace the headlights on your car with strobe lights so it looks like youre the only one moving.
Buy some gift-wrap as a present for Christmas. Take it to the Gift Wrap department and ask them to wrap it.
When someone asks you how long youll be gone, tell them the whole time.
When no ones looking, do rabbits stand in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree?
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "Hey, I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out"?
Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp which no decent human being would eat?
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?
If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? Theyre both dogs!
Why ARE Trix only for kids?
If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme stuff, why didn't he just buy food?
Why is a person that handles your money called a 'Broker'?
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?
Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
What was better than sliced bread before their was sliced bread?
How is it possible to have a Civil War?
Why do people think that 'ALL NATURAL' products are always somehow better for them? Arsenic is all natural and so is cyanide, aren't they?
Just what flavor is 'Original'?
Why do women always open their mouth when they put on mascara?
Why is it impossible to keep your eyes open when you sneeze?
How come you can't tickle yourself?
Why don't cartoon characters ever change clothes?
Can you cry under water?
How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?
Since bread is square, then why is sandwich meat round?
Why do you have to "put your two cents in"...but it's only a "penny" for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?
Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?
Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
What did cured ham actually have?
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?
If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
If you drink Pepsi at work in the Coke factory, will they fire you?
Why are you IN a movie, but your ON TV?
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
How come we choose from just two people for President and fifty for Miss America?
Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.
If a 911 operator has a heart attack, whom does he/she call?
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