I have neglected my blog for three weeks. I'm sorry I haven't written, especially when I know you all will want to know how Brianna's birthday went with my family, dear friend and Brianna's friends.
    But first I must explain that when I'm really hurting, it is easier for me to withdraw. I guess that is a natural reaction to pain.  I really didn't want to write anything, because all I am feeling is sorrow. Terrible, intense sorrow that Brianna is not here. I hope you understand.
    As for the little birds we were to make on her birthday, they did not happen. Brianna had printed out the directions for these neat little birds. So I gathered the materials and set out chairs in the brief sunshine. Her friends, Chelsea and Nina, came over with some soda cans. We cut them up according to the directions, but we must have been missing something. For the directions were not clear and I tried and tried to make them, but we were all too stumped to figure out how they were put together.
    Her friends said that by now (an hour into trying to make them) Brianna would have given up, she would have called "Mom!", to have me figure it out, and then they all would have been on to something else.
    But I was so determined. I couldn't save my daughter's life, but by God I was going to make these birds. And I had to give up, frustrated by it all, because I just didn't know how. Almost a reflection of what happened in our lives.
    Still, we all sat in the sun and talked. It was hard for me listening to their plans of college. I kept thinking that Brianna should be sitting here also excited about the colleges she was applying to. So I cried with them off and on, and they understood.
    I'm glad they were there. I know Brianna would be glad too, to see that Chelsea and Nina came over. And thankfully my dear friend Alissa was here for emotional support. For it was a hard day for John and Trevor also.
    January 12 will always be a special day I celebrate. I cherish the day Brianna became my daughter and blossomed into such a wonderful young woman. For I love her so much, and I know that she loves us still. We are just separated for a time.
    I thank you all for checking in on me. As hard as it is at times, I carry on. Brianna's spirit lives in me too. And I keep thinking that I have to live my life for her now...Iva

"Into the nebulous, ongoing mystery of life I welcome, as if through an open door, the continuing spirit of the one I have loved."

- Martha Whitmore Hickman, Healing After Loss

To find more of Iva's writings and artwork, visit her website: http://www.ivascreations.com or http://www.ivascreations.typepad.com