"DOG CHEWED THE ITEMS YOU JUST WON." Yeah right.

Anyone who's been on eBay long enough would be familiar with this scam by now. I took a sabbatical from the site for 2 weeks during the holidays and when I came back to do some shopping, I got 2 consecutive Damaged-Item-Runaround from 2 upstanding members of the ebay community.

My favorite was the classic "dog-chewed-the-items-you-just-won" modus operandi. I tend to find brilliant eBay members from time to time who are expert at weaving logic fact and fiction to formulate a 'Good Scam' which makes them above and beyond my league. Somewhere, a village is missing a purebred idiot and an imaginary dog she picked from the pound. It's okay, Rhonda. It's nothing to be ashamed of.

On Dec. 29, 2007 I won Item Number: 180198575880 from 1622rhonda for the amount of $6.00 + $12.00 S/H. I paid for the item and come Jan. 1, 2008, the seller 1622rhonda wrote me with this dramatic story. Of course, my flabber was gasted after reading it :)

"Dear j3rs3ygirl,

HI,I was going to ship your items yesturday. But something bad happened. I had the stuff set out on the couch I had to run to walmart and get a box I came back and the kids let the puppy out of the bathroom and was not paying any attention to him and he chewed up the bag and some of the items. I was so angry when I got back and seen that I have never been so angry at the kids for not watching him. You just don't know I was furious. Please I hope you understand and I am so sorry that this has happened.

Thank you Rhonda"

Wow. I must admit, that is one of the most gripping narrative I have read in a while. Not being a person who gets too excited about world events, I would have normally passed it by, but this was the ultimate catastrophical EBAY story. I really think she should write Oprah and have this featured in the show.

I'm a seller on eBay too and because of this, I have boxes in my studio, in the living room, in the basement. We practically swim in boxes here :) It doesn't make sense to go to Wal-Mart to buy even just the ONE box - that would be gas money, plus box expense.... No, no - why would I do that especially if I just lost money on an auction and did not make profit?

I also thought this person was without conscience -- to use her children in her lie. And if this were a real life situation, why would you get mad at the kids? Clearly it was her fault if she left things lying around to be chewed by imaginary puppies with indestructible fangs that can chew 4 bags, 3 tubes of lipstick, 1 lipgloss, 2 plastic tubes of cream, 2 bottles of lotion, 1 eyeshadow palette with mirror. Boy, I hope this imaginary puppy also had super-immune system to live through that toxic meal. I am only glad it is all branded Lancôme. So I wrote her back and thought I'd call her bluff:

"Hello Rhonda,

Thank you for letting me know. I don't mind if the dog chewed some of the items and the bag. Please, can you send them over anyway - including the items that the dog chewed. I'll see what I can do with it. Another option is you can replace the damaged items with other Lancôme bag/products -- I saw that you have other Lancôme items on sale. At any rate, I am not after a refund.

Kind regards, Cynthia"

I checked her feedback to get some background and sure enough, another customer who mentioned "sad item was damaged before shipping, but seller honest & refunded money" for item #180198575275, a $108 Lancôme Moisturizer that the buyer won for only $14.49 + $4.00 S/H. Do we see a pattern? I mean c'mon, this seller has been on eBay since 2005.

Afterwards, I called eBay Trust & Safety and gave them a heads up regarding this seller. They referred me to the Seller Non Performance Policy and gave instructions on the next steps to make. In the meantime, Rocket Scientist 1622rhonda was formulating another brilliant reply. I waited with baited breath of course. What are the odds she's gonna tell me the items have been disposed of? The suspense was killing me.

Jan. 4, 2008, the day my inbox said I had a new loveletter from 1622rhonda - I pulled up a chair, got some popcorn and excitedly read what THE VOICES had told Rhonda to write this time. And here we go:

"Hi Cynthia,

Sorry it has taken so long to get back with you. The bag is in the trash TOTALLY DAMAGED, as for the other items (samples) they were in tubes and they were also DAMAGED BEYOND RECOGNITION.I have already refunded the money back to your paypal account. I do have other bags and samples What I could do is relist it and just go from there.

Thank you Rhonda"

After 3 days, the brain began to handle cohesive thought and Rhonda, the wise oracle - did not fail to entertain. Bite sized chunks of lame, if you will. I must say, however, that I am impressed. Personally I think she's nuts; her inner airhead gives way to a voice that's much slower and dare we say deeper? But she gets points for drawing up enough courage to come up with her excessively exaggerated melodramatic dog-chewed-the-items version.

Anyway, all kidding aside and for the benefit of anyone with a fully functioning mind, I just feel obliged to mention that the Internet, that bastion of integrity and credibility STILL serves as the last remaining safe haven for the likes of Rhonda who would scam for $18.00. I am writing this in the eBay educational vein for newbie buyers on eBay. Watch out, guys ;)

As of this writing, I have already filed the "Seller Non Performance" report to eBay. If I campaign enough and with your help, Rhonda gets the boot.

We now return to your regular Saturday eBay workload.