How to be a Jerk
Being a jerk can be fun. It gives you a feeling of dominance over others; you are more important then the rest. You are the wolf among a flock of sheep; people fear you, and therefore look up to you. Being a jerk is not hard; all you have to do is think about yourself and your own feelings, and forget that everyone else has emotions. There are various ways of achieving this perception of importance; you can put people down and belittle them, pretend you’re better than everyone, or just be plain mean, unpolite, and nasty. Sure, there might be some little voice inside saying that you are no better than anyone else is, but you can drown out that nagging reminder with constant insults to others. Nothing replaces that great feeling of emotional triumph over one of your "peers". The fact that you have engaged in and won a verbal war (however one-sided it may be) makes you feel as high as the sky, while the opposing party will probably sink like a rock in quicksand. They will think that you are mean (and you are), and they won’t want to befriend you or have respect for you, but you won’t care because you perceive yourself at a higher standing than they are.
The foremost aspect of being a jerk is to make people feel inferior by way of your comments and actions; this also gives you a sense of superiority, which makes you feel important. Also, insults can be spiced up by adding sarcastic and witty remarks. Degrading someone is easy; just greet them with a "Hey, loser", or a cynical "What do you want, _______?" (fill the blank in with your favorite witty obscenity), instead of "Hey, how’s it going" or "What have you been up to lately?". Start off by being sarcastically mean, and you have already got the jump on them. They are on the defensive now. If they continue the conversation with you, then insult them at intervals by rejecting any ideas they present, not laughing at any jokes they tell, or by calling them names and making fun of their appearance. This will make the other person feel insecure and reluctant to talk to you; the people around you will either think your comments are funny (they aspire to be a jerk like you), or they will consider you rude and disgraceful. It doesn’t really matter what anyone else thinks though, does it? You are yourself and no one else; you feel only your feelings and no one else’s; so why should you be concerned with anyone but yourself? You are king in your own mind, and your perception is everything.
If you can’t be bothered to be a witty, sarcastic jerk, you can just be a regular, mean jerk. This kind of jerk is intolerant and impatient (to a higher degree than the other type of jerk), rude, and unsarcastically mean. The next time someone gives you something or does something for you, don’t say thank you or show gratitude; you should even go so far as to complain about what they gave you or how they should accomplish things faster. Don’t be grateful; if you are grateful, people will think that they can win your favor with good deeds; that’s manipulation. You can’t let anyone win your favor; that would show weakness, and you have to be strong to show that you are of great importance. Be disrespectful to everyone, and elders and authority figures especially. Respect can also be linked to weakness, since respecting someone can be taken as giving in and obeying that person. Don’t obey; you are your own person, and you should play by your rules alone. This form of jerk is harder to achieve, since a lot of people will end up disliking you, and this type of jerk is more rotten to the core, but accomplish it and it will make you feel in complete control of your life. There is no one above you.
The key to being a jerk, then, is to believe that you are always at the center of the universe and everything revolves around you. You can’t be put on the same level as any other; that’s why you need to be disrespectful and insulting to others; you need to make everyone else feel lower, and if these people around you feel lower, then you feel higher. That’s what this world is about, getting to the top by stepping on others; the ends justify the means. While you’re working your way up, you’re also having fun at someone else’s expense; belittling others makes you feel good, doesn’t it? Maybe you won’t be the most respected and liked person in the world, and the only friends you have will be jerks; they could turn their cruel ways against you at any time, but you’re ready for them; you’re a jerk too. Fight fire with fire. Even so, that’s just a small price to pay to have the feeling of massive importance born at the expense of others. Besides, you don’t care if those other people are your friends, or if they respect you; they’re not as good as you anyway.
comments welcome - but I'm washing dishes :)
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