going to stop because he cannot  possibly imagine how

      this has happened. It's never happened before, and he

      knows that when the boys find out he will never
hear
      the end of it. When the girls find out, they'll never

      speak to him again as long as he lives.



      The boy believes his heart is going to stop; he puts

      his head down and prays this prayer, Dear God, this

      is an emergency! I need help now! Five minutes from

      now I'm dead meat.



      He looks up from his prayer and here comes the teacher

      with a look in her eyes that says he has been

      discovered.



      As the teacher is walking toward him, a classmate

      named Susie is carrying a goldfish bowl that is
filled

      with water. Susie trips in front of the teacher and

      inexplicably dumps the bowl of water in the boy's lap.



      The boy pretends to be angry, but all the while is

      saying to himself, Thank you, Lord! Thank you, Lord!

      Now all of a sudden, instead of being the object of

      ridicule, the boy is the object of sympathy. The

      teacher rushes him downstairs and gives him gym shorts

     to put on while his pants dry out. All the other

     children are on their hands and knees cleaning up

     around his desk. The sympathy is wonderful. But
as

     life would have it, the ridicule that should have been

     his has been transferred to someone else - Susie.



     She tries to help, but they tell her to get out.

     You've done enough, you klutz!


     Finally, at the end of the day, as they are waiting

     for the bus, the boy walks over to Susie and whispers,

     You did that on purpose, didn't you? Susie whispers

     back, I wet my pants once too.

Jimmy was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary.  His wife
Nina was really hacked. She told him Tomorrow morning, I expect to find
a
gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds, AND IT
BETTER BE THERE.

The next morning Jimmy got up early and left for work.  When Nina woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough, there was a small box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, Nina put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
The box back in the house.  She opened it and found a brand new bathroom
scale.

Funeral services for Jimmy have been scheduled for Friday