havn't bn on ere 4 yonks! hope evry1 is fine n dandy!

i'm afta a cupid couch lmao

On the eve of her wedding the bride-to-be confessed to her friend that - unbeknown to her fiancee- she was not a virgin.

'No problem' said the friend. 'Go out and buy a nice piece of liver and put it up inside you before the time comes. you'll feel nice and tight, and he'll never know the difference'

So the bride went ahead with the plan, and on the wedding night the couple went crazy. They done the floor, on the kitchen table, in the bathroom and in the bed.

The bride was truly astonished to wake up in  the morning to find her new husband gone, the only trace of him, a note on the bedside table.

'Dearest' it read, 'I love you very much, but i've realised we can'tg o like this and can never have a life together. Farewell. P.S Your vagina is in the sink! I'm sorry'

2 irishmen and a scotsman worked for a constructive company and got into the habbit of working together - until the day when scotty fell off a scaffold 11 storeys high. When the police got to the scene, there wasn't much left of the fellow, so the officer in charge turned to the 2 irishmen ' Listen guys, was there anything distinctive about the man?'

'No he was a regular guy' sniffed one of the irishmen.

'Hey, wait a minute' piped the other 'he had 2 ass holes!'

'Are you bullshi****g me' asked the cop 'How the hell would you know?'

'Because verytime we went into the bar around the corner for a beer at the end of the day' said the irishman happily, the bartender would say, 'here comes that stupid jock with the 2 ass holes!'

A little kid is taking a walk with his father around the neighbourhood when they come across two dogs going at it furiously. 'Daddy' asked the kid tugging on his fathers sleeve, 'What are those dogs doing?' 'well billy' said the father 'they're making puppies'.

A week later Billy gets thirsty in the nigiht and wanders into his parents room catching them in the act. 'Daddy ' he asks plaintively ' What are you and mummy doing?'

'Well Billy' says his slightly red faced father ' we're making babies.'

'Daddy, Daddy' cries billy, 'roll her over- i'd rather have puppies! '