How eBay Ruined My Chances of Going to Heaven

Why am I going to hell? Well, it is really quite simple.

Way back when I was first starting to sell on eBay I needed more crap to sell. So. I started digging through all the boxes of crap I had everywhere (like the good lil packrat that I am) and found marvelous treasures. Sure enough, people BOUGHT this s**t! It was unbelievable and I got the bug. Frantically, I tore open drawers and closets grabbing anything that looked in the least saleable. Finally, fate stepped in and I opened the top drawer of my dresser. I gaze in disappoint upon the contents: an entire set of mood jewelry (ring, earring, necklace, bracelet), nylons that had more polish on them than my toes (fixes runs for those of you clueless peeps), cute little books declaring friendship forever (who WAS that person that gave them to me?), a $2 bill (those are so kewl I want them brought back!), and, finally, this little maroon box that once held a watch given to me by on that greatest day in my life (ahem cough) by my spouse. At first, I dismissed the small box, knowing what was in it: about 100 scapulars. For those of you who are not Roman Catholic, and some of you who are but are totally ignorant, a scapular is, according to dictionary.com: A badge worn by affiliates of certain religious orders, consisting of two pieces of cloth joined by shoulder bands and worn under the clothing on the chest and back.

It is a free ticket to Heaven for those worthy individuals who choose to wear one because, so it is said,  "Whoever dies wearing this scapular shall not suffer eternal fire" Our Lady's Scapular Promise. And I had over 100 of them! My mother had bought them when she piously made a pilgrimage to Medjugorie. She bought a huge number of them and passed them around like candy. My mother was going to keep St. Peter busy at the gates. She gave me a pile to pass out to whomever I should choose to take along with me to the Pearly Gates. Not knowing many of those who are so worthy they sat in my dresser drawer for about five years.

So, here was a dilemma. These were pretty cheaply made so obviously you couldn't wear one real long without having to replace it. Certainly I had enough for ME to wear for the rest of my life should I care to do so. Hence, I was on my way to Heaven. BUT, being the cheap and mercenary individual that I be, the thought went through my head that these could possibly be sold on eBay.

I did a search and actually found others selling their salvation online. Gleefully, I listed these babies and sat back to watch the fun. They sold. They sold fast. Obviously there were a lot of others out there who had far greater aspirations for the afterlife than myself. Eventually I had someone contact me about buying all that I had left. He wanted me to name a price and promised to buy all of them! So, I did some number crunching and came up with what I thought was a fair deal. We emailed back and forth for awhile negotiating and making arrangements for the entire lot to be sold to him at the agreed upon price.

The day I shipped them off I had visions of flying up to Heaven only to be forcefully turned away. YOU CHOSE EBAY! St. Peter would roar in thunderous tones. <SIGH> So I did. A bird in the hand and all that, ya know. Anyway, finally they were in the mail. The evil deed was done.

The recipient was quite happy with him. I suppose I might have wondered more about him had his user name on eBay been something along the lines of Beezly_the_Bub, Lusifer or SmilingSatan but it was something quite ordinary. I thought to myself that he must be quite a religious sort. Then he revealed his real self and hit on me.

And, so, dear friends, should you be lucky to be going UP instead of DOWN when you bite the big one (and, yes, I realize few of you will make the cut), be sure to look down and wave at me. I will be the one with the red horns wearing the, Get IT on eBay! t-shirt.