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Archive - April 2007 Motorcycling's Greatest SecretPosted Apr-02-07 17:47:52 PDT "When
asked to describe what they love about motorcycle travel, riders toss
around romantic vocabulary like "freedom" and "escape." We think there
has to be a more tangible component, a key sensation perhaps, or a
unique emotion that can only be roused by humming tires, rushing wind
and the promise of a long ride. But what is it--that sensation that
once tasted, leaves us so eternally hungry? Where's the magic in a
motorcycle journey? Perhaps it's in the posture. When you're riding down the highway on your cruiser your arms are open and extended as if you're expecting an embrace. In this position you're uniquely receptive and vulnerable to the world as it rushes towards you . . . I know that when I roll off a few miles and click into my riding posture, I suddenly feel at peace. And when I know I can stay in that position for hours--or better yet, days--I feel joy. The weight of my world rolls off my shoulders and gets lost somewhere in my wake. The danger and subsequent concentration might also play a role in the satisfaction. Have you ever taken a moment to realize how much stimulation your mind and body calmly absorbs while you ride? The wind's noise, vibration, buffeting and the cold or the heat would quickly reach intolerable levels if you were standing still. The sound alone would be enough to separate you from your skin. Realizing how subtly these things register while we're riding reminds us how focused we are. It's fundamental meditation without the lavender and tea lights. Perhaps another explanation can be found if we tear apart what makes a motorcycle trip so different from other acutely pleasurable experiences in our lives. Think of your favorite things for a moment . . . things that heighten the senses and quicken the heart just to imagine doing them. Maybe it's eating perfectly tendered abalone, stepping into a bubbling Jacuzzi or making passionate love. Even at their best the thrill of these things simply doesn't last long enough. All too soon we're sated and left to remember the joys of expectation. Motorcycling is different. Riding is an ongoing, endless state of anticipation that requires no apex to bring satisfaction. Unlike most other forms of travel, riding lets us feel the world we're moving through. We get to taste every nuance, smell every subtlety, feel every pulse of the elements. It puts us in touch with the essence of the planet and separates us from all that distorts it. In order to travel any distance on a motorcycle we're also forced to pare down our own clutter until we find what's vital. The process of strapping these fundamental items onto the spine of such a simple machine is in itself an act of purification. In motorcycle touring there is simplicity, and with simplicity comes fulfillment. The answer to what makes motorcycle travel so magical may not be so complex. Perhaps it's just like a delicious book you hate to put down. Each journey is a chapter and each corner a twist in the plot. It's a story that lasts a lifetime, with a moral only its own characters can understand." ** "Motorcycling's Greatest Secret" is by courtesy of Jamie Elvidge and Motorcycle Cruiser Magazine. 89 WAYS TO ANGER A COP " Citizens On Patrol.."Posted Apr-02-07 17:41:24 PDT 1. When you get pulled over, say "What's wrong, ossifer, there's no blood in my alcohol?" 2. When he asks why you were speeding, tell him you wanted to race. 3. When he talks to you, pretend you are deaf. 4. Touch him. 5. If he asks if you knew how fast you were going, say no, my speedometer only goes to...... 6. When he asks why you were speeding, tell him you were rushing home because you realized you forgot your helmet. (Particularly good in those Helmet Law states!) 7. Ask him where he bought his cool hat. 8. Refer to him by his first name. 9. Pretend you are gay and ask him out. 10. When he says no, cry. 11. If he says yes, accuse him of sexual harassment. 12. If the cop is a woman, tell her how ugly she is, but in a nice way. 13. If he asks you to step off the bike, automatically throw yourself onto his hood. 14. When he asks you to spread them, tell him you don't go that way. 15. When he puts the handcuffs on, say "Usually my dates buy me dinner first" 16. Ask to be fingerprinted with candy, cause you don't like ink on your fingers. 17. After you sign the ticket and give it to him, say "Oops! That's the wrong name." 18. Bribe him with donuts. 19. When he comes up your bike, say "License and registration, please" right when he says it. 20. When he goes to read you your rights, sing "La La La, I can't hear you!" 21. Trip and fall into him. 22. Accuse him of police brutality when he pushes you away. 23. Before you sign the ticket, pick your nose. You have to sign with his pen. 24. Chew on the pen, nervously. 25. Clean your ear with the pen. 26. If it's a click pen, take it apart and play with the spring. 27. Ask if he has a daughter. If he says yes, say I thought the name sounded familiar..... 28. Ask him if he ever worked in a prison. If he says yes, ask him how the plumbing was. 29. Act like you are retarded. 30. When he's telling you what you did wrong, start repeating him, quietly. 31. Or mumble to yourself. 32. When he tells you to stop, say what are you talkin about man? 33. Drive to Dunkin Donuts and say hmmm....only 5 of you here tonight....... 34. Ask if they know how to make the donuts. 35. When he comes up to your bike, say I have a badge just like yours! 36. Ask if he watches Cops. 37. Ask if ever watched Cop Rock. 38. Giggle if he did. 39. Talk to your hand. 40. Ask if he knows someone named Rosy Palm and her Five Favorite Friends. 41. Accuse him of Sexual Harassment if he does. 42. When he frisks you, say You missed a spot, and grin. 43. When he asks to inspect your bike, say there is no alcohol on my bike, sir, the last cop got it. 44. Try to sell him your bike. 45. Ask if you can buy his car. 46. If he takes you to the station, Ask to sit in front. 47. Play with the siren. 48. If you know him, say you had his wife for dinner. 49. If you don't know him, ask if you can have his wife for dinner. 50. Oops...I meant OVER for dinner. 51. Ask if he ever had pun-tang. 52. If he asks what it is, point at him and giggle. 53. If there is someone else on the bike with you, talk to each other in tongues. 54. When he acts confused, keep talking, look at him and laugh. 55. When you are in the back of his car, touch his neck through the fencing. 56. Turn your head and whistle. 57. When he pulls out his night stick, say what you gonna do with that. 58. If you are female, say I don't do that on the first date. 59. If he sticks you in the back of the car, cower in the corner, suck your thumb, and whine. 60. Ask if you can see his gun. 61. When he says you aren't allowed, tell him I just wanted to see if mine was bigger. 62. Stare at his lights and say "Look at the pretty colors!" 63. Tell him you like men in uniform. 64. Ask if you can borrow his uniform for a Halloween party. 65. While he is sitting in his car running your plates and license, whip it out and pee on one of his tires. 66. Touch his shirt and say "hey man, you got a booger on your shirt" when he looks down do the nose bump thing and say "Damn, cops are so stupid". 67. Every time he tries to use his radio, squeal like a pig as loud as you can. 68. Ask him if he feels like a BIG MAN just because he has a gun. 69. Laugh until he asks you why and tell him you think it's funny that he didn't see you throw your stash in the bushes so he can't prove it's yours. After him and his co-cops spend an hour looking for it admit that you were just kidding. 70. Keep staring at him until he asks you why you are doing it. Tell him that you once got drunk and humped a monkey and you are wondering if he is your son. 71. If he makes you walk a straight line to prove your aren't drunk. Do it hopscotch style. 72. Every time he asks you a question. Ask your imaginary friend for the answer 73. If he/she frisks you, moan loudly and say things like "oh, baby", "OH YES, YES" and of course the old standard "a little to the left, baby". 74. Make up a cute nickname for him and use it often. Something like "Tinkerbell" should work nicely. 75. While signing the ticket, ask him if he realizes that your Green Beret uncle taught you 17 ways to kill with a ball point pen. 76. Every time he takes his eyes off of you, make loud fart noises. 77. Accuse him of sleeping with your wife. When he denies it, tell him he should try her. After all, she's a lot better in the sack than HIS wife. 78. Ask him if he became a cop because of the low I.Q. requirements. 79. When he asks to see your license, ask to shoot his gun. 80. When pulled over because the cop saw your ivory griped custom Springfield 45 tell him "my grips cost more than your cheap 9mm 81. My red & black wing tips cost more than the truck your driving home. 82. And finally my 40 knuckle is worth more than his trailer!" 83. When he says "Please step off the bike" say, "I cant, you get on." 84. Ask him if you can be his date for the Policemen's Ball. 85. Look at his head, then ask, "Who cuts your hair?" 86. Ask him, "If you aren't allowed to drink & drive, then why do they put parking lots around bars???" 87. When asked to see your license and registration, ask to see naked pictures of his wife. If he says he does not have any, ask if he would like to buy some. Then say, "What a firecracker!" 88. When the cop says, "Your eyes are bloodshot have you been drinking?". Reply with "Your eyes are glazed have you been eating donuts?" 89. When he asks for your license, say "You're not gonna check my saddlebags, are ya?" R U A BIKER........Posted Apr-02-07 17:38:45 PDT 1: That oil spot on the garage is just the bikes way of "marking it's territory" 2: You have ever started a barbecue with a welding torch 3: All of Yer children have either "Harley" or "Davidson" in their name 4: You own more Harley-Davidson t-shirts than underwear 5: Any day you can ride is a good day 6: You come home and curse the "god damned cagers" 7: You have to chant "Harley-Davidson, Vroom, Vroom" to go to sleep 8: People have nearly died of starvation looking at all Yer bike/run pictures 9: Every picture you take has you/Yer bike/women in it 10: You stare longer at the pictures of the bikes in Easyriders than the naked women 11: You save Yer dirty oil from Yer bike to put in Yer truck, cause "hey! it's just a truck" 12: Yer other vehicle is a truck 13: You can drink more beer than a platoon of Marines, then really start to party 14: You don't go a day without wearing something that says "Harley Davidson" 15: Yer wedding picture is you on Yer bike "who? oh yea the bride" 16: If the weather is too bad for riding you start Yer bike and sit on it in the garage 17: Then first thing you said after you got hit by that car was "Where is my beer?" 18: You get hit by a car, break Yer leg in three places, then tell the nice police officer, "I'm fine I can ride home" 19: You think other motorcycle manufacturers should stick to making cars or whatever it is they do 20: It's not a really good party unless someone rides their bike into the bar and does doughnuts 21: It's not a proper bar unless you can bring Yer bike in 22: You dream of owning a Harley dealership 23: You dream of owning a Custom Motorcycle shop/machine shop 24: You have ever been too drunk to fish, but not ride 25: Yer 3-piece suit is Chaps, leather vest, leather jacket 26: You have a refrigerator in the garage just for beer 27: Yer garage has more square footage than Yer house 28: Yer bird can repeat "This is the Police!" with uncanny accuracy 29: You have every episode of "Renegade" on tape 30: Yer ol'lady brags about the hickey she put on Yer penis 31: You think bike oil is a sex aide 32: If you wake up next to Yer ol' lady, you're first thought is of her. If Yer second thought is, 'Damn, I wonder if that bike's gonna start.' 33: Everytime you hear a vehicle with headers you look for a Harley 34: when you plan a vacation you set up time to visit the bike shops first 35: High fashion is Black and Leather 36: The Bike ramp is a permemant part of Yer truck 37: Yer kids learned to ride on the back before they could walk 38: Jevhova's Witnesses won't talk to you 39: You have all the tools to work on every Harley ever made, but not any to work on yer ol'ladys car 40: It's impossible to see out of yer trucks rear view mirror because of all the Harley stickers 41: You shot someone because he "dissed" yer bike 42: You think yer bike really is an extension of your penis 43: You won't go out with a girl unless she can put a hickey on yer Penis 44: Yer house has a kickstand 45: You refer to your bike as if it had a legal first name 46: When you come back from the Bike store with a pile of new parts, they are in the front seat and yer ol'lady is in the truck bed. 47: You have a heater in your garage so you can work on yer bike(s) when it's cold 48: You have a little piece of you bike that you take with you wherever you go 49: You have more pictures of your bike(s) than yer children or lover 50: When people ask what you want for Christmas you take them to the Harley Store and point to the new Harley you have been drooling on And you say, "VRrrrr, Vrrrrr, VrooOOOOOooM!!" 51: Yer Dad surprisingly shows up where you and yer boyfriend are, on his Harley, he's packing heat, he growls at yer boyfriend 52: If all the links on yer web page are bike oriented 53: If yer workbench collapses from the weight of all the spare parts 54: You live in the garage with the bike(s) 55: You've ever taken a nap on the shoulder of the road cause you were too drunk to ride 56: You think everyone else's bike is shit! 57: Every magazine you subscribe to has the word "Biker" on it somewhere 58: If yer Coffee table collapses under the weight of all the motorcycle magazines on it 59: If yer front porch collapses and ruins more than 3 spare parts you were saving for yer next "rebuild" 60: If you ever woke up with a new tattoo and you have no idea how it got there 61: If Yer entire house is decorated in a motorcycle motif 62: IF you have ever thrown a party and more bikes than cars show up 63: You own more than one Motorcycle 64: You keep yer bike in yer house in lieu of a garage 65: You have to make/widen a door to get yer bike in yer house 66: Everything you buy you think about what you coulda bought for yer bike 67: If any piece of yer furniture is a bike part 68: You think Stocks and Bonds are just kinky 69: They celebrate yer birthday at the Harley store 70: You have "Ammo" on yer Christmas list 71: Your ol’lady has ever said "Come move this engine so I can take a bath!" 72: You think 'Helmet Hair' is a fashion statement 73: Yer mother has been involved in a fist fight at a high school sports event 74: Yer dad encourages you to go to the Motorcycle Mechanic's Institute instead of college 75: You clean yer nails with a pocket knife 76: Your dog and your wallet are both on chains 77: You fainted when you met Willy G. 78: You have lost at least one tooth opening a beer bottle 79: Jack Daniel’s makes your list of "most admired people" 80: You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoo 81: Yer kid takes yer old Bike chain to show-and-tell 82: You've spent more on yer motorcycle than yer Education 83: Yer best ashtray is an old piston from yer last "rebuild" 84: You've ever been arrested for where you got your girlfriend roses 85: You have ever had to stop an oil leak in yer primary with gum and a band-aid 86: You think that the Harley-Davidson plant should be one of the 7-wonders of the world 87: You think the perfect wedding dress is leather 88: You have ever slept next to yer bike on the side of the road rather than pay for a motel room 89: You have ever brought your bike into yer motel room 90: If you try to declare your bike a dependent on your income taxes 91: When she says "It's the bike or me!!" you have to think about it really hard 92: If you've ever said the words, "My bike doesn't leak, it marks it's territory 93: If you spend more time polishin' your scoot than carressin' your woman 94: If you've ever used your down tubes as a stash box 95: If you have four broken down cars in the yard and a working bike in the garage 96: If you have more locks on yer bike than you do yer house 97: If yer wife makes you leave your checkbook and credit cards before you can go to the bike show HARLEY VS WOMENPosted Apr-02-07 15:35:24 PDT Updated Apr-02-07 17:31:03 PDT 1. Harleys curves never sag. 2. Harleys last longer. 3. Harleys don't get pregnant. 4. You can ride a Harley any time of the month. 5. Harleys don't have parents. 6. Harleys don't whine unless something is really wrong. 7. You can kick your Harley to wake it up. 8. You can share your Harley with your friends. (I don't think so!!! Rhonda) 9. If your Harley makes too much noise, you can buy a muffler. 10. You only need to get a new chain or belt for your Harley when the old one is REALLY WORN. 11. If your Harley smokes, you can do something about it. 12. Harleys don't care about how many other Harleys you have ridden. 13. When riding, you and your Harley both arrive at the same time. 14. Harleys don't care about how many other Harleys you have. 15. Harleys don't mind if you look at other Harleys, or if you buy Motorcycle magazines. 16. New Harleys must be asked for, and if you don't want to pay for them, you don't get them. 17. If your Harley goes flat, you can fix it. 18. If your Harley is too loose, you can tighten it. 19. If your Harley is too soft, you can get different shocks. 20. If your Harley is misaligned, you don't have to discuss politics to correct it. 21. You can have a beer while riding your Harley. 22. You can have a black Harley and show it to your parents. 23. You don't have to be jealous of the guy that works on your Harley. 24. You don't have to deal with priests or blood-tests to register your Harley. 25. You don't have to convince your Harley that you're a cyclist and that you think that Harleys are equals. 26. If you say bad things to your Harley, you don't have to apologize before you can ride it again. 27. You can ride a Harley as long as you want and it won't get sore. 28. Your parents don't remain in touch with your old Harley after you dump it. 29. Harleys always feel like going for a ride. 30. Harleys don't insult you if you're a bad rider. 31. Your Harley never wants a night out alone with the other Harleys. 32. Harleys don't care if you are late. 33. You don't have to take a shower before riding your Harley. 34. It's always OK to use tie downs on your Harley. 35. If your Harley doesn't look good, you can paint it or get better parts. 36. You can't get diseases from a Harley you don't know very well. 37. If you get rid of your Harley it doesn't get to keep half of your stuff. 38. If you leave town you don't have to worry if your Harley is letting somebody else ride it. 39. You can trade your Harley in for a newer model without paying alimony. 40. Your Harley doesn't mind if you play with it in public. 41. Your Harley has an off switch. 42. You can totally ignore your Harley as long as you want. 43. Your Harley won't get offended if you suggest bigger, aftermarket headlights. 44. You know exactly how much your Harley is going to take out of your checking account each month. 45. Your Harley doesn't expect foreplay. 46. Your Harley doesn't want to snuggle after a ride. 47. People envy your Harley more the older it gets. 48. You can get your Harley hot and ready with 2 minutes of sitting on your butt. 49. Your Harley doesn't mind waiting outside while you go into a strip club. |
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