SO CUTE!!!

 

 

Subject: The Possibly Stolen Car


A man was being tailgated by a stressed out woman on a
busy boulevard. Suddenly, the light turned yellow,
just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping
at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the
red light by accelerating through the intersection.

The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn,
screaming in frustration, as she missed her chance to
get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone
and makeup.

As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her
window and looked up into the face of a very serious
police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her
car with her hands up.

He took her to the police station where she was
searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a
holding cell. After a couple of hours, a policeman
approached the cell and opened the door. She was
escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting
officer was waiting with her personal effects.

He said, 'I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I
pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your
horn, flipping off the guy in front of you, and
cussing a blue streak at him.' I noticed the 'What
Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Choose Life'
license plate holder, the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School'
bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish
emblem on the trunk; naturally I assumed you had
stolen the car .'

BEST COME BACK RESPONSE OF THE YEAR 

If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman. He was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the policeman's credibility...��

Q: "Officer -- did you see my client fleeing the scene?"�
A: "No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away."�
Q: "Officer -- who provided this description?"�
A: "The officer who responded to the scene."�
Q: "A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?"�
A: "Yes, sir. With my life."�
Q: "With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?"�
A: "Yes sir, we do!"�
Q: "And do you have a locker in the room?"�
A: "Yes sir, I do." 
Q: "And do you have a lock on your locker?"�
A: "Yes sir."�
Q: "Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?"�
A: "You see, sir -- we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room."�

The courtroom EXPLODED with laughter, and a prompt recess was called. The officer on the stand has been nominated for this year's "Best Comeback" line -- and we think he'll win.

Going out to dinner, just wanted to spread laughter!  Cya later!  HUGS

 

I was walking past the mental hospital the other day,and all the  patients were
shouting ,'13....13....13'
 
The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little gap in the planks and looked 
through to see what was going on.  Someone poked me in the eye with a stick.
 
Then they all started shouting '14....14....14'...

It should make you feel all warm inside knowing that the clothes you previously wore are now gracing another grateful body!

Remember that cleaning out your closets at least once a year and giving former treasures to Goodwill (or charity of your choice) is a great way to give back to your community and help those who are less fortunate.

So look through your closets and see if you don't have something that doesn't fit, or might be a little out of fashion.  

Those things will probably fit s omeone else and could be the height of fashion for them.

With that in mind, I send along this heart-warming photo to inspire you, and remind you that your efforts won't go unnoticed.  

 

.A man and his wife were driving home one very cold night when the wife
asks her husband to stop the car. There was a baby skunk lying at the side
of the road, and she got out to see if it was still alive. It was, and she
said to her husband, "It's nearly frozen to death. Can we take it with us,
get it warm, and let it go in the morning?"

He says, "O.K., Get in the car with it."

"Where shall I put it to get it warm?"

He says, "Put it in between your legs. It's nice and warm there.

"But what about the smell?"

"Just hold its nose."

The man is expected to recover,
but the skunk she used to beat him with died at the scene ...

BBQ rules

After months of cold and rainy weather, we are finally coming up to summer
and BBQ season. Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the
etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity, as it's the only type of
cooking a 'real' man will do, probably because there is an element of danger
involved.

When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put
into motion:

Routine...
(1) The woman buys the food.
(2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.
(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with
the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is
lounging beside the grill - beer in hand.

Here comes the important part:

(4) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.

More routine....
(5) The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.
(6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning. He thanks
her and asks if she will bring another beer while he deals with the
situation.

 

Important again:

(7) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.

More routine....
(8) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces,
and brings them to the table.
(9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.

And most important of all:
10) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.
(11) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off." And, upon
seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some
women....

 Monkey in a bar:
>
> A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey.
> He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all around
> the place.
>
> The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them.
> Then he grabs some sliced limes and eats them. He then jumps onto the
> pool table and grabs one of the billiard balls.
>
> To everyone's amazement, he sticks it in his mouth, and somehow swallows
> it whole.
>
> The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"
>
> "No, what?"
>
> "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table... whole!"
>
> "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything
> in sight. Sorry! I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff."
>
> The guy finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey
> ate and leaves.
>
> Two weeks later the guy is in the bar again, and has his monkey with
> him. He orders a drink and the monke y star ts running around the bar
> again. While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a
> maraschino cherry on the bar.
> He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.
> Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his butt, Pulls
> it out, and eats it.
>
> The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?"
>
> "No, what?" replied the man.
>
> "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his butt, pulled
> them out, and ate them!" said the bartender.
>
> "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He still eats
> everything in sight, but ever since he had to shit that cue ball, he
> measures everything first."
>

Give us a sense of humor, Lord,
Give us the grace to see a joke,
To get some humor out of life,
And pass it on to other folk.